Friday, December 20, 2019

2009

    It was the first year, I entered the primary school. I was unaware about a primary student's life. Actually I was incapable of understanding what it means to be in a class full of students, and a teacher. I remember how the books used to be colorful and thin, full of pictures that would create curiosity in every 6-year-old kid like me. I remember how I was introduced to a bunch of notebooks during my summer vacation. The bunch had included different types of notebooks. The blank ones for Mathematics, the four-lined ones were for English, the single-lined ones were for Social Studies, Language and GK, the ones for Science, which had one side blank and another side single-lined and yes, a bigger blank one for drawing. Then I learned that we would have to cover them and paste nameplates on them, so that everyone would know those were mine. I remember the vacations went by, playing games with cousins, doing funny things in front of a cooler, improving handwriting (which I loved to do), eating ice-cream or kulfi everyday, watching cartoons and all. I don't remember if I was excited to start the school after all these fun. I was given a new bag, bigger than the one I had for nursery, because obviously I had to take more things. I learned how to tie shoes, black ones for Monday to Friday and a pair of white ones for Saturday. I learned how to comb my hair myself, although my Granny prepared me for my first day of school before and after vacations, or actually everyday. She wouldn't like the way I used to comb. And still she thinks I don't know how to comb my hair. So, everyone was happy with me, watching me going to school. The day, I entered the school after vacation, I was scared, because I knew that I'd be here for 6 hours long - 10am to 4pm. Now I realize, if I was in any English medium school, then I would have had less school-hours. But I didn't care about the timings. We used to have long prayers. But I liked to pray then, those Sanskrit mantras. I remember a senior Didi accompanied me to my class room. I didn't care who was sitting next to me, or behind me. I never cared for the classmates in my early primary classes. Days went by, I learned my teachers' names. I g ot to know how to maintain the school diary. My father would pick me up from the school, but I got know that our school had a bus, which used to help students in transportation. When I got to know that, the school bus wasn't going through my lanes, I was disturbed, I thought the school was partial to its students. According to me, the bus was meant for every student.


        In July 2009, I appeared for my first monthly test of school, which was an oral test. I performed well in these tests, my grades were high in every test. In monthly tests, even in half-yearly and annual exams. I didn't know what it means to get good grades in exams. However I got second position in our entire class. Yep, I was a nerd then. I only used to focus on studies, on my handwriting and drawing. I remember when I got to know that we didn't have Hindi in our first grade, I didn't wait for next year. I started learning Hindi from my didi and my aunt in that year only. And Yay!  I was perfect in Hindi writing when I entered second grade, the next year. We were instructed to use pencil for writing in first grade, but I used to write with pen when I was at home. You can see how interested I was in studies. Even when my aunt used to do some psychology lessons, I used to copy her and pretend to study psychology.


     
          I was good at extra curricular activities too. I used to sing from my childhood. I used to go to music classes with my Didi. I remember she was not at all interested to learn music. We used to just go and sit there and practice the notes, the Sargam and the aalaaps. I used to draw creative things like some weird looking animals, birds, scenery and also the images of Hindu deities. Now I think the images I used to draw, would be disrespect for them. I learned how to color from my didi. She would teach me maths often. I remember I never gave too much time to bookish study.


        And yes, I didn't like the PE classes back then. I don't even like now. I never showed interest in sports. I hated to do exercises in school under the sharp sun. But I was okay with it. Actually I didn't know that I wasn't interested in sports. I used to play indoor games like carom, ludo, snake and ladders etc. I loved to watch Tom and Jerry, Chhota Bheem, Thomas and friends, Baby Looney Toons, Mr Bean  the most. And I used to inspire myself so easily that once I saw Mr Bean cutting his hair in an episode and I did the same in front of mirror. One-day, I pressed my raincoat with an iron and ruined it forever. I also got hurt while doing it, it burned my fingers a little. In this year, I experienced how an electric shock feels like. My health wasn't always good at that time. I was ill half of the year. I skipped two months of my school for it. They say it was because of  tonsils or something, I don't remember. I used to visit an ophthalmologist every month, because maybe I had some problems in my eye retina or something. I don't know about my health issues properly. But I remember I used to be sick. I used to be in medication. But still I have enjoyed every moment of this year as a kid, the summer vacations, the Dusshera vacations, the winter vacations.. everything. I even got to know about travelling as I went somewhere with my parents. That's how the year passed by.

 

       This year was one of the best years of my life. I had no idea about wrong things, I never lied, I wasn't stubborn or a crybaby. I just loved everything and everyone I knew. I wish I could live that year again.  


Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Please 🙏

00.44

     It's been a long time again. I was too lazy to post anything. I'm not gonna add any humour in this post. Because right now, I'm serious and I'm not okay. What should someone do if he needs a friend to be there for him when he's not okay, but no one is here for me. I feel terribly lonely. It's like I have nothing left inside me. I'm a dustbin and I'm full now. People make you feel how useless you are not by saying it on your face, but they make us realize by ignoring us. For me, a best friend is someone, whom I can tell everything that's inside my heart. But now, I feel very limited. If your friend is giving you a limit to speak, then no, it's not your best friend. What's the problem? Why can't I be trustworthy? Do I lie? Maybe, but not while talking to friends. It's been so long, I've been distant from everyone. Because I have horrible people, who make me realize that I don't like my country as much as they do, I'm not intelligent as much as they are. I miss everything and everyone. Please don't think I'm happy. I'm not. I can smile but that's not happiness. I'm telling you, you must have read some sad quotes on instagram while scrolling down.  I can relate them with me sometimes. When I'm sad, no one is here. When I listen to sad songs, I literally have watery eyes. Somehow I manage to keep the water inside my eyes. I can see my eyes are not the same. They don't have that spark now. I'm so much tensed. Whenever I get time, I start overthinking. And that makes me feel how lonely I am. No one answers my call at once. No one tells me how they feel. Am I that horrible to trust? One-day, someone said, "Don't avoid, but don't even face." I kept searching everywhere. I asked people if there's anything between avoiding and facing something. But I guess the answer was "no". I need friends. Please help me be a person. I don't wanna be a problem.
 
             Another thing that pours sadness and tension in my heart is "study". I'm tired of studying. Sometimes I even fear that I would fail the board examination. And what would be the consequences if I will fail? Help me God! Please get me at least pass marks. I think I've done something horrible in my past life, that's why God's so cruel to me. Anyway, I can't write anything else now. To all my friends out there, "Please remember me sometimes. I would be grateful to you." 
    
                                               Love, Pran